No Big Deal or Anything, but...

I GOT TO HOLD A BRAIN!!!!

Yes, a real human brain. In my hands. In my twenty-year-old, Disneyland-loving, gluten-free, coffee-obsessed hands. 

The day started with my statistics class at 9, in which I fell asleep. Then my MATLAB class at 11, fell asleep again. Long week for sure. Then I got to my Neuroanatomy discussion section at 12 (while frantically studying for 1 p.m. Latin), where I not only found out that I didn't do quite so horribly on my quiz last week, but my TA also said okay, today is a LAB day. For this lab, we basically had to label brain structures on printouts of coronal, lateral, and sagittal views, and then describe some of the structures in a few sentences. All of this can be done outside of class (I'm 70% done anyway...), but then he held up a brain. A real brain. Just like that. Someone asked if it had gotten smaller because of the drying/preservation process. Only 10-20%, he said, not much. Then, as if it was nothing at all in his hands, held it up to his own head as a comparison. Just like that. 

There were other brains at the front of the classroom, a macaque brain, rat brains, and a few others I didn't pay attention to. I wanted the human brain. The animal brains were all soaked in formaldehyde, so I didn't get to pick them up as we were running out of gloves. Like I said, I wasn't paying any attention to them to begin with. The human brain was just...there. No formaldehyde, a different process. 

Part of me was grossed out, but the MUCH larger part was excited. This is what I study, this is what I love! I'll say it again:

I LOVE THE BRAIN!

Convinced? Me too. I used to be a Political Science major. I wanted to be a Civil Rights Lawyer. And now, I might still want to, but I found something to study that just thrills me. I never thought I'd be a science major, that's laughable. But I just love the brain! I love learning about it, I love neurons, I love the lobes, I love CT scans and EEG recordings and TMS research! TMS stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation, and one of my professors does a lot of work with it.

So there I was, holding this brain. This thing that was so unassuming, so...well, so ugly actually, color-wise. It was this tan/yellow/dull shade, not the pink I had imagined. Then again, it was a dead brain. No blood flow or anything, no action potentials, no neurotransmitters, nothing. But the structures were there, the nerve fibers, oh my gosh the nerve fibers! All tangled, and the cerebellum, with its striations, was just sitting there! Just chilling out I guess. Chillin' like a villain. Cool.

And this unassuming organ, this ugly-colored dead organ, was once the key to someone's entire life! Still the key to life, just now in a more universal sense. The most electrifying, brilliant, incredible machine, and it was just sitting there waiting for me to pick it up at the front of the classroom! It's hard to even grasp the experience, the idea that I was holding something so complex, the key to the evolution of cognition, the neural processes underlying behavior, and the reason I can even approach this level of thinking! And I was holding it in my hands. 

...I'll never forget it. Ever.

Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock...

What you waiting

What you waiting
What you waiting for!? 

Thank you, Gwen Stefani, this pretty much hits the nail on the head. So here's the deal:

I'M SCARED.

There it is: honesty, brutal honesty. I'm scared to run again. I'm scared because I love something so much, and I can't have it taken from me again. This sounds dramatic, but here's the deal. Before running, I was a mess. I had just come out of my senior year in high school, after dealing with some intense issues (can't go into it yet, the blog isn't mature enough yet), which cost me my friends, my understanding of the way the world worked, and my knowledge of who I was to begin with. Not to mention, it KILLED my last soccer season, which prior to that had been everything to me. I played for twelve years, and the last memory I have of it is not being able to do what I used to be able to. Not being strong, not having any power in my body and watching my skills deteriorate, hating myself, wondering what was wrong!

So I needed something. I needed a new passion, something that would be mine. Soccer was over for me, swimming was a totally different story, and I was unhappy. Trying to adjust to a new, MUCH BETTER (I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for) life, and I realized that all through life I had been uncomfortable with my body. I had always been active, but never took a liking to the idea that running was really effective! So I finally told myself to suck it up, because I was NOT about to gain the Freshman 15, thank you very much.

I'm finally tired, it's time for bed. I'll finish this off tomorrow, as it won't save properly.
I'm truly horrible sometimes. I know this isn't the next day, or the day after, or even the day after, but a full THREE days later and I'm finally finishing this up. 
There it is. Honesty and clean: I started running because I was unhappy with both my life and my body. I ran/walked two miles: running everything but crosswalks. I did this every day, and then added more distance so I was running three miles a day, eventually without any walking! 
Somewhere along the line...I fell in love.
My body changed, my mood changed, and my self-respect shot through the roof. It was wonderful! Sure, it was hard. There were days when it just didn't feel anything close to pleasant. But hey, that's love right? I think? Not every day is perfect? Right.


...So that's what I lost for four months. And now, I know I'm okay, but I'm scared to lose that again. I feel like I'm hiding behind Insanity, if that makes sense at all. I use Insanity as an excuse to not run, and it's not like I'm not getting exercise, quite the opposite. But I go to bed thinking about running. I'm just...scared. Clearly I'm healed, and healthy again, because I can do intense plyometric workouts, and I can run a couple miles at a time. It's only fear now, that's really all it is and I know it. Baby steps. Okay, I can do this.


I'm taking the week off of Insanity because I didn't have proper shoes (I know, I know, you think this wouldn't be an issue) for it: I used old running shoes in place of cross-trainers. Bad idea, because my left ankle is now very unhappy. I rolled it at Disney, but haven't had any pain running, just doing plyos. So I think I'll get my butt on the treadmill again :] Let's get rid of this fear k? K.

And Now I Present...

My first successful batch of protein ice cream! It was supposed to be chocolate-cherry, but it's a bit more chocolate-y with a hint of cherry. Complaints? None here :]

Thank you, HEAB, this is so much fun to eat!

&&tasted absolutely wonderful after Shaun T's Plyometric Cardio Circuit! I LOVE INSANITY!

Sweet Solitude

Sometimes I wonder why it's so hard to just unplug, you know? I have an hour between two of my morning classes, and it's not worth it to go all the way back to my apartment (on campus, but still) and walk all the way back. When I schedule my classes that way, my first thought is What am I going to do with that extra time? Where do I go? It's silly, really, because I'm lucky enough to go to one of the most beautiful universities EVER, imo, and here I am making a big deal about not knowing how to spend an hour. I've gotten better, I'm sitting in my favorite spot on huge stairs that form benches (they have a separate staircase) on the side of a major campus center. So far, I'm the only person just sitting here, as most people prefer the tables and chairs that line the frozen yogurt shop or the student services center. I like my stone benches though, they're relaxing purely for their simplicity, their lack of defined use. There's a fountain in the shape of our school's mascot at the base of the stone benches, so I get to feel the breeze, the San Diego autumn heat, and hear the splash of water. 

It's eternally wonderful, and yet, whenever I sit here I feel the need to have SOMETHING going on. My Blackberry next to me, perhaps, or even blogging, like now. The only time I brought a book, I called my dad to talk anyway. Why is it so hard to step away from interpersonal connections and just breathe? It seems like I constantly need stimulation, something that has only gotten worse over time. I am in medias res, or in the middle of things, with a lot of things. My morning, my adjustment to being back at school, and a book that my grandmother sent me called Gifts of the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. She writes a very poignant chapter on solitude, and how we must take the opportunities to step back from our daily lives and take time to just be. Alone. Unplugged. Because we can't give life everything that we have, we can't develop interpersonal connections, unless we can find peace alone, in her case on a secluded beach, in my case on stone benches next to a fountain. 

I've started to rejoice in the solitude I get from yoga. Yes, there is an instructor, yes there are classmates, fellow souls seeking the same peace that I'm seeking, but each stretch is a test of personal limits, of inner strength just as much as outer. Running can give me that solitude as well. But still, I often find the need to be plugged in, especially to my iPod. If I'm at the gym, on a machine, I don't have the time to think, nor the desire. I send text messages, try to read Runner's World, and just generally try to find connections. Outside is different. There is music playing but after the first few miles I don't hear it. I try to work out kinks in my thoughts, subtle but disturbing nuances in my day, and any lingering emotion that I want to work through. I think it's gotten harder since I had to sit out of long distance running, because I wasn't accustomed to not having an hour or more daily to just pound the pavement and think. Now running is clouded with worry...what if I'm not healed? What if I'm just angering fate?

Soon, I think. Soon I will be able to put miles and miles down and not worry about my body, because I know I'm capable of great things. Starting with taking time for blissful, sweet solitude.

I'll leave you with this last picture, something my mom took on her cell phone, as a reminder to take time to relax and reflect, and to be eternally grateful for natural peace.

Nashville, in my dreams?

I REALLY REALLYYY want to run Rock 'n' Roll Nashville. I mean, there's always fear of injury, and since I'm still at the 5k level who knows where I'll be in November, when the TNT season starts. I mean, it would be through TEAM, of course, so I'd be insanely well-trained, but I just came back from a MAJOR injury. I think since I can run short distance, do yoga, and do Insanity, my foot is okay, but I'm terrified that I will reinjure it. I had to drop out of the Nike Women's Marathon, which is actually coming up, because I wouldn't have been trained and realized that it would be too much too soon. I was so excited for that, because Alumni Fundraising worked out for me. If I do Nashville, I think I'd have to do full fundraising because I'm a college kid. I can't afford things like that you know? I'd really love to mentor, and that would give me a discount, but we'll see. 

But after dropping Nike I picked up LA Rock 'n' Roll Half, which will be inaugural, a week after Nike, and I'll be with the same two lovelies I did Disney with. Thirteen miles fly with them, and suddenly I don't care whether or not I PR, or whether or not I'm hitting a negative split. I'm really excited, because it will be my second Rock 'n' Roll this year (and ever...haha) so I get some heavy medal (teehee!). 

Hey there, sexy...

I originally started this blog post about something totally different, but hey, no surprise, running takes over<3

Aversions and Water(melon) Babies

All right, when watermelons go out of season I think I'm going to lock myself in my room and cry for a few days! I can seriously eat half a watermelon at a time, and sometimes, that's all I want to eat. Which leads me to think about aversions. 

Are there any foods that just make you cringe? I'm not talking about lifetime aversions, but foods that you've had as a regular part of your diet and now just can't stand?

Well, it's been like that for me alllll summer. For some reason, I couldn't handle most things that weren't raw, and while it's true that I LOVE the raw diet, I usually go about 60-40 % raw to non-raw. I will eat fish though, easily. And I live on sushi when I can, even if the rice isn't raw. But lately I've had a serious inability to eat bananas and eggs. No clue why, I just can't bear to really consider them. 

This happens to me a lot I guess, but it's just a bizarre thing. And lately eating dairy has been a chore, except cheese. I can't give up cheese :]]] I did buy some Nooch at WHOLE PAYCHECK (thank you, Fitnessista). Whole Paycheck is the bane of my existence, I also got my hands on some vanilla stevia, GUAR GUM (sooo hard to find this summer!), Pamela's gluten free flour, and my new lover...

oh hayyy baby ;]

(& Source!)

But back to my other baby. The watermelon. Through all my aversions and pretended gagging, I've become quite the watermelon myself. I eat it for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, not dinner because by then I'm okay for dairy, and EVERYTHING!

Here's the thing about watermelon, comes with quite the belly! And I don't have the bananas to calm it! Oh well, I love my watermelon babies. Seems like I've constantly got a watermelon baby. I should start naming them I suppose. Maybe not. But seriously, it's a perpetual state of watermelon pregnancies. Yummy.

...But the next time I mention babies, it'll be because I constantly swoon over CCK's recipes<3

&& I love you Shaun T. I'm currently a total wimp, but I have serious optimism about improvement! I love the way all the people in the videos are showing REAL effort, with the need to rest, the swearing, and the sweat. Amazing.

Let me be Phoenix, please.

Sooo, that was some hiatus right? What was it, FIVE MONTHS? Classy, Courtney, classy. Start a blog and then abandon it. But I have some exciting news, so all my nonexistant readers will forgive me righttt? 

I CAN RUN!

I want to go around shouting it, singing it, dancing to it! I CAN RUN I CAN RUN I CAN RUNNNN! When I returned to the Bay (BAY AREAAAAA), I went to see the podiatrist. Well, after three different x-rays, she told me that she saw no fracture and that I had to sit out for a month or two. That's it: rest for a month or two. I held back tears in her office and promptly went to see my mom (she works at the same facility, though I won't say where) and collapsed in HER office. Cue tears, hysterics, screaming, etc. I thought my life was over. I seriously sat on the couch for a good two days after that just crying. I mean I had already been out for a good two months and running isn't just my stress release, it's my hobby! I love going home because my old trails are there & I know exactly how to add miles & I occasionally see people I know drive by :] And how insensitive, just tell me to sit on my butt? What about physical therapy? Nope, no referral. I was pretty angry, let me tell you. Right after the doctor, I went to see my sister's chiropractor. She's a bigshot soccer player, and gets hurt like I used to pre-running days (which I can't even remember!). The chiropractor's husband gave me a tough love speech, which said get in the pool NOW because sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do until you recover. He said I needed cardio, because I had to be going CRAZY. Then his wife set me up with ultrasound technology right on my sesamoid bone, muscle stimulation therapy (my toes DANCE, I'll try to put up a video), and deep heat. She also did some adjustment.

Well, I went to see her for a while, and I really think she helped relieve the inflammation/irritation. I meant to get in the pool and swim a lot, but I really only had time to go twice, as I worked from around 7:30 to around 6 every day! Love my job :] I went to the gym just to lift more often than that of course.

Here's the greatest part: I mastered balance ball pushups to jacknives! I felt strong again, like an athlete again :] 

Two weeks before the Disneyland Half Marathon, I started running again. Let me tell you, I am OUT OF SHAPE! I mean, I had to sit for four months! Hardest 5k of my life, that first one. No joke. But I did it. And I'm still at the 5k level, which KILLS me, because I'm through and through a distance runner. So it's rather demoralizing to know that I have to start all over again, but I will! The Disneyland Half Marathon, which I did NOT have time to really train for, was a total blast! Ran a bit, walked most of it, but I was with two of my friends who didn't train fully! We sang Disney songs and came in at around 3:26.

Welllll, my PR from La Jolla (including crazy hills and horrid injury) was a 2:16, so I didn't quiiiite beat that this time. But it was amazing! So much better, and such a lovely race! Helped that my mom, sister, sister's bf, and my bgf (best guy friend) were there at the finish line! At La Jolla, I was totally alone...It's funny though, every time I do a half I think, well that was fun, but I love fulls so much more!

So this summer involved a lot of summer camp, weights, breakthroughs, and even a return to yoga at the very end! LOVEEE. And not to mention, I split a pair of my running shorts, that used to be soccer shorts & that I've had for six years, down the center while working with my speed trainer. My mom called him the minute I came into her office in hysterics and said PLEASE HELP! So I had three amazing, can't walk for four days sessions with him, thank you mom, I love you so much!

Wow, what a long explanation of my hiatus & summer! I guess as long as I wasn't running, I couldn't bear to blog. But now I'm back. With yoga...

So call me a phoenix. Those were some pretty rank ashes, some pretty dark, teary days. But I rose up! Now there's some possible scartissue but I can handle that...

&&Lastly, I started INSANITY finally :] FINALLY. Day 2 done, ouch. Marry me please, Shaun T!